It has been a while since my last blog about when the kitchen cabinet fell down. Well, that has catapulted into a major kitchen refit, which sounds a bit military perhaps. Now, that was one of my little jokes which I feel sure nobody ever gets (primarily because it is not very funny). Let’s see if we can unpack it, shall we? Actually, I don’t think it is a joke; it is more like a Freudian free-association process…

Kitchen = Kitchener = a British general in WW1.

The War = “Don’t mention the war” = Monty Python’s flying circus…. we are getting there….

My kitchen refit is starting to feel distinctly Pythonesque  – Phew! Slap me round the face with a dead haddock.. or did I mean parrot?

Well, this has nothing to do with Hex. Now, for those of you who HAVE NOT yet downloaded my Kindle novel The Hexington Hex, you can do so easily by taking the lead off my website. For those of you who HAVE (and I shall henceforth regard you fondly as my Hex-Heads Fan Club, I thought I would talk dirty Hex to you from time to time.

For example, the current Hex-month is Green and we are into the FESTIVAL WEEK! The Hex-month will be changing to BLUE on 3rd May in our boring old First Life calendar. Today, in 2014, the Hex-day is specified as GRWG. Expanding that date into the Hex colours, we have:

Green – Red – White – Green. This unpacks as follows. The first Green is the Hex-Month. Red is the current Treek [a Treek contains three Hex-weeks (which of course consist of only six Hex-days)]. White is the colour assigned to Festival Weeks. Today is the second day of this Festival Week, and therefore takes on the Hex-day colour of Green. Don’t you just love it?

Oh, and do you know what? I lost my set of Allen keys and desperately needed to find it in order to deconstruct yet another kitchen cabinet (this kitchen refit has a definite postmodern feel to it – and yes, that was another one of my appalling jokes). Anyway, my dear Hex-Heads, I went to B&Q (the mega hardware store that we have in most UK towns and cities) and I discovered that these hexagonal bolts are no longer called Allen keys; they are now known as HEX keys. Omg – I was so excited, I nearly pissed my pants in the store! If only I had known about this when I was writing The Hexington Hex, I’m sure I could have had some fun with it. Still, no matter. What really impressed me was that B&Q do their sets in a folding case which comes out in two halves: metric and Imperial. Oh, I just love those old measurements. I try to keep my world one of pounds (lbs) and ounces (oz) and even the delightful notion of a Hundredweight (Cwt). Do you see how ‘weight’ abbreviates to ‘wt’ and the ‘C’ in hundred is the Roman numeral for 100. I am seriously thinking about providing myself with a retro-price converter that I can take to the supermarket with me and PRIVATELY have naughty thoughts as I convert all the decimal prices back into pounds, shillings, and pence (£.s.d). What on earth am I talking about all this for? I promise I haven’t gone all UKIP suddenly!

Well, I suppose I should apologise to my regular blogophiles (a) for the lack of posting [mainly due to the massive impact of the kitchen project] and (b) for the fact that I have dedicated most of this blog to my Hex-Head readers. Be that as it may, I shall speak to you later, my dear blogophiles 🙂




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